Animal I have Become
by Eleos Argentum
Summary: Blowhole's latest scheme turns off badly… so badly, that he and the penguins are HUMANIZED. Things can't get any worse, right? Unless you add Officer X and co. in the mix… How about a matchmaker?
1. Better than Revenge

**Summary:** Blowhole's latest scheme turns off badly… so badly, that he and the penguins are HUMANIZED. Things can't get any worse, right? Unless you add Officer X and co. in the mix… How about a matchmaker?

**Disclaimer:** Let's get this clear right now, because this is the only time I'm saying it: I'm not some big executive from Nickelodeon, Viacom, DreamWorks or anything like that, so don't ask me if you can borrow the characters, situations, logos or anything remotely related with Penguins of Madagascar or any other show or whatsoever mentioned in this fic. I'm just an average psychotic fan with maybe a little too much imagination and a World Wide Web connection.

Also, I was born speaking gibberish and learned Spanish as my first intelligible language, so don't be rude when you pin-point my grammatical mistakes, be nice and help me to improve; I like to think I would do the same for you.

The original version and Latin-American translation have some differences; to better explain, check this one (a really funny example):

**Original:**

_Hans_: I'll have you know I kissed your sister, on the lips!

_Skipper_: I don't have a sister, and if I did, she wouldn't have lips.

_Hans_: Oh. Then who did I kiss?

**Latin-American:**

_Hans_: I'll have you know I kissed your sister, on her little pretty beak!

_Skipper_: I don't have a sister, but I do have a weird brother...

_Hans_: Oh. Then who did I kiss?

So, if I make any reference to a chapter and you don't catch it, let me know so I can explain.

Today's chapter is brought to you by the letter T, as in "That should have not happened", and the color Smurf!

**Animal I Have Become.**

Chapter One.

**Better Than Revenge…**

Okay, you know the deal: evil sea mammal doctor kidnaps a cute and naïve otter from Central Park Zoo in order to lure a penguin elite commando team into his summer lair (that happens to be a warehouse in the docks *_coff*_ cliché *_coff_*).

"So glad you could come, Pen-gyu-ins" Doctor Blowhole regarded with an evil smirk the quartet of flightless birds hanging helplessly from the ceiling. "Now that you are here, we can get started…"

The evil genius chuckled darkly and rolled his segway back and forth in front of his prisoners, delighted in his foes situation.

"Now, Skipper, you have no other choice but to admit defeat. AH-AH-AH-AH-AH…!" Blowhole laughed maniacally, like any other respectable villain would have done in that situation. "If you try anything funny, if you do as much as thought of escaping, I'll send your little girlfriend here to a horrible…"

"Wait! What?" The aforementioned hostage otter interrupted from inside her cage, across the room, with a dozen or so lasers pointing at her. "No, no, no, no, no, no… You got it wrong! I'm not his girlfriend!"

"Save your breath, Marlene; it's useless," Skipper rolled his eyes. "This is the same pseudo-fish who thought Ringtail and I were best friends."

"…" Marlene stared at him blankly. "You are kidding."

"As you may know, Marlene, Skipper is not known for his tendency to play pranks and jokes," Kowalski informed.

"As good as he may be in it," Private stated.

"Uh-huh!" Rico nodded vigorously.

"You and Julien… best friends" the otter repeat, as if assuring herself that she got it right. "That is ridiculous!"

"See, boys? That is the correct reaction for that crazy idea!"

"I mean, the only thing you two have in common is that neither of you can stand the other! Even when you two are getting along you are trying to rip each other's throat!"

"It isn't that bad…" Private gave her a worried glance.

"Okay, maybe not" Marlene shrugged, "but still…"

Next to the penguins, Blowhole was fuming.

"Excuse me if I am interrupting anything, but… WOULD YOU PLEASE PAY SOME ATTENTION TO THE EVIL SCIENTIST THREATENING YOUR LIVES? IT WOULD BE NICE TO GET A LITTLE RESPECT HERE, YOU KNOW?" He then turned towards Skipper and grumbled. "You really like them pesky, don't you?"

Marlene huffed at this. "I'm not pesky. And I already told you: Skipper and I are not…"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT MY REPORTS STATED!" The villainous dolphin cut her off. "Now be quiet and let me finish my evil speech!"

"Yeah, because it isn't long enough." Another familiar voice was heard in the room as Hans, the Dane puffin, made his appearance. "Could you cut it off, Doc, and get to the part where Skipper dies in hideous ways?"

"Who asks you? Would you mind telling?" Blowhole hissed, narrowing his eyes dangerously.

"You two are working together?" Kowalski questioned.

"Since the last time, when they set me a trap in Shanghai," answered Skipper. "I didn't mention because I forgot about him."

"I feel hurt, Skipper. How could you forget about me?"

"That was a memory I could live without," grumbled the evil Doctor, before turning towards his arch and re-taking his ranting. "You dared to use my invention against me, Skipper! You will pay for it! Bring him to the table!" He ordered to his lobsters lackeys. "It's time to start the procedure!"

The red crustaceans did as order, taking the penguin leader away from his team and strapping him to a metal table; once the prisoner was secure, the evil bottlenose dolphin made his way to a deathly looking ray targeted to the flat-headed penguin. And then continue with his, oh how many times, interrupted monologue.

"What you did was low, Skipper… really low. And I'm the one saying it!" Blowhole said as he set the weapon's controls. "You send me back to those humans and their stupid tricks!"

"We are enemies!" Skipper replied. "What was I supposed to do? Send you back to your evil lair so you could continue with your evil plans? Give you free tickets to a recreational center? Organize your birthday party?"

"Hey! I already organized his birthday party!" snapped Red One. "And it was supposed to be a surprise!"

"Hey! Why didn't you invite me?" Hans interjected.

"Why? Do you want to come?"

"Maybe. I mean, I would have to check my agenda, but yeah, why not?"

By now, Dr. B was massaging his temples. "I need to hire better goons, because these are morons… WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP?" Turning towards Skipper he said: "Where was I? Oh, yes…"

Blowhole cleared his throat.

"There are lines, Skipper, AND YOU CROSSED THEM ALL!" His angry howl made the warehouse windows shacked.

"I think he is mad…" Private muttered.

"Mad as in upset or mad as in Rico?" Kowalski questioned.

"Uh… Both?"

"What I have in mind for you, Skipper, will make you regret ever crossing paths with me! You will be so so sorry for every single little thing you have done to me! For sending me back to the humans!"

"Would it help if he apologizes?" asked Marlene.

"What? Are you insane? There is no way I'll apologize to him!" Skipper barked at her.

"Well, you shouldn't have sent him back with the people if you knew he hates them so much."

"Actually, it would be nice… an apologize…" Blowhole smirked evilly.

"Don´t even dream of it, Tuna-Brain!" The leader of the commandoes shout back. "For Alaska's sake! He is a villain, Marlene! A bad guy! He is threatening our lives right now!" Skipper looked at her as best as he could while strapped to the table. "You don't apologize to the villain! And he shouldn't be such a whiner!"

"Now I'm a whiner?" Blowhole exclaimed angrily. "First you ripped my memories away, then you dropped me in the place I hate the most with the creatures I despise the most to do the thing I loathe the most and now I'm a whiner?"

"Get over it!" Skipper rolled his eyes. "And you were the one who ripped my memories away first! It was just pay-back!"

"But I didn't send you to a hellish nightmare, did I?"

"You let me to drown! And then you send a missile after me!"

"Yeah! But I didn't send you to a hellish nightmare, did I?" Huffing angrily, the mad scientist finished setting his machine controls. "Well, it doesn't matter anymore, does it? Because you are about to wish that missile hadn't missed you! First, You'll witness your friends and little girlfriend demise (Yeah! I said it again: )… Then, and only then, you will confront a fate no one should endure… a punishment according to your fault…" Blowhole narrowed his eye at the last part. "But I can be compassionate, you know? That's why you won't have to suffer so long. Bring the device!"

"And you wanted _me_ to apologize!" Skipper rolled his eyes at Marlene.

"Okay, my bad! At least I can admit my mistakes!"

A red haired lemur appeared from the shadows, carrying a metal box with him.

"Clemson?" The penguins had no problem to recognize the adulator backstabbing primate.

"What? Are you using Hoboken as your recruiting center or something?" Skipper snarled.

"Maybe you shouldn't have sent every single animal that hates you to the same place," Hans observed.

"We have a club: Penguins Haters." Clemson informed as he set the box in front of Kowalski, Rico and Private. "Hans is the president, but that won't last."

"I heard you!"

"Enough bickering! We already have lost so much time!" Blowhole snapped at his two subordinates. "Set the weapon!"

As Red One did as ordered, helped by Hans and Clemson, Blowhole gave Kowalski an evil smirk. "Now, here is a little something Agent 12 brought from her mission on Central Park Zoo a while ago."

"That's my invention!" Kowalski cried as he recognized the contraption and the blue bubble gum light emanating from it.

"Oh, yes… I am going to use your own creation to destroy you. Isn't that poetic?"

"Isn't that what Skipper did to you?" Marlene asked.

"That wasn't poetic! That was cruel! Now, quiet!"

The gadget was set and ready; it was just a matter of second before the penguins were no more…

"I want to destroy them!" Hans stated, taking hold of the weapon and smiling dangerously to the penguins.

"Oh, no, no, no… I should be the one destroying them; after all, I'm the most intelligent, charismatic and handsome!" Clemson retorted, taking the laser chainsaw away from Hans' wing. "Besides, I hate them more!2

"You wish! Give me back!"

"Red One, shut those bozos up and kill the pen-gyu-ins!"

"I'm trying boss!" The lobster cried as he struggled with the puffin and lemur for the device.

Just the chance the penguins needed; and Kowalski was not one to turn it down. "Rico! Gum!"

The weapon expert spat a chewed pink blob with extreme precision, hitting the shiny blue light, disrupting the flow and sending flaring sparks everywhere.

"NO!" Blowhole howled as his ultimate revenge started to fall apart just in front of his very organic and cybernetic eyes.

"That's why you shouldn't mix two different bubble gum flavors," Kowalski stated.

"Uh-huh! No mix!" Rico agreed.

"Didn't you take his weapons?" The sea mammal spat, glaring at his thugs.

"That was gum!"

"Hey, Rico! Give me a hand!" Skipper called from his position on the table. The craziest penguin of the quartet spat a poker card to his leader, cutting the belts that secure him, setting him free and flying away, all this with one swift motion.

Skipper jumped from the table, landing in front of the evil Doctor with a cocky smirk.

"NO!"

"That was a card!" Red One stated defensively.

"Your girlfriend is dead meat, Skipper!" Blowhole punched a button in his segway and the lasers surrounding Marlene started blinking. Without wasting a second, Skipper belly-slided to where the otter was trapped in.

"Rico! Mirror!"

"Why does these lasers take so long to charge?"

When the lasers finally shot, the mirror was already in Skipper's flipper. With his quick reflexes, it was a piece of tuna pie to reflect the lasers beams right back to where they came from, leaving a pile of debris and smoke behind.

Blowhole was sending daggers to his number one crustacean.

"That was a mirror!"

An utterly horror scream made them turned around.

"Okay… I think I missed the flamethrower…" The lobster scratched his head uneasy.

"Oh, you think?"

Skipper struggled a moment with the lock of Marlene's cage before it cracked open.

"Are you okay?" The penguin asked, ushering her out of her confinement.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Let's get out of here."

"Not yet."

Facing his arch-enemy and his comrades, his team and Marlene at his back, Skipper grinned cockily. "Surrender, Blowhole! You lose… _again_."

"I'm not defeated yet!" The dolphin snarled. "You should know by now that I always have a back-up plan! Even if death is not good enough for you, Skipper, I will ultimate my revenge today!"

A flying rectangular object passed beside the crazed sea mammal, making its way towards Blowhole's most precious possession at the current moment.

The King of Spades embedded itself into the Doctor's ultimate revenge artificer; there was a shrieking noise, blue lightning engulfed the machine…

"No! What have you done?" The villian freaked out at the sight of sparks and smoke.

"Kowalski?" Skipper raised an eyebrow.

"After a careful examination of the circumstances and judging by the energy activity emanating from the device, I would said… it's about to explode any second now."

"All I need to know," Skipper nodded. "RUN!"

"No! My Deoxyribonucleic Acid Structural Translator!"

Too late; with a last convulsion the machine finally exploded, releasing a wave of orange energy. The walls of the warehouse shacked and crumbled, the windows bursted in pieces, the wind howled, wood and metal everywhere cracked and pop. It was madness.

"Take cover!"

When the energy wave hit them, there was only darkness…


	2. Awake and Alive

**Got to cut the chapter in half to update.**

**There's no way I'm quitting this. I already have so much planned; even a sequel or second part crossover thingy... From now on, I'll try to update at least once a month.**

**Hope you like this chapter.**

**Reviews and grammar and spelling corrections are very welcome!**

* * *

><p><strong>Animal I Have Become.<strong>

Chapter Two.

**Awake and Alive.**

So dark…

_Thump._

There is nothing here.

_Thump._

Nothing at all… but the pain…

_Thump…_

Your blood is boiling…

_Thump…_

Your flesh is melting…

_Thump…_

Your joints feel like they are on fire…

_Thump…_

Your bones are stretching, twisting; blending in ways nothing is supposed to…

_Thump…_

Your brain is screaming…

_Thump…_

Your mind has been gone a long time ago…

_THUMP…_

You cannot think, not even to wonder if you are dead or alive, and if that is the case…

_THUMP…_

…why?...

And this is happening…

_THUMP…_

Because…

_THUMP…_

You are changing.

_THUMP…_

_THUMP… THUMP… THUMP…_

It was so painful a moment ago, and now it was gone… like it was never there.

At all.

-o-o-o-

Rico was desperate. He had woken up just a moment ago, to find himself in the middle of Blowhole's hideout (did I mention that the aforementioned hideout was about to collapsed on itself, with little fires burning everywhere?). There was no trace of his teammates; just him…

And there was something pretty weird in just _**that**_**.**

He gotta find Skipper, because Skipper always knows what to do…

-o-o-o-

Skipper had the headache of his life; even worse than the counterfeit/Tokyo incident… His head felt heavy and dizzy and his throat was twirling around with nausea; his stomach must have been replaced by an old shoe with a brick inside while he was unconscious.

_Scratch that!_ This was even worse than the Lunacorns Weekend Marathon time...

And there was someone shaking him, rather rudely, if I must say so. Not the best thing for his stomach…

Skipper tried to push it away, but that didn't work out.

"Skipper!" It was Rico, and he sounded kind of freaked out.

Skipper tried to pry his eyes open, but to no avail: it was too bright in there. He blinked a couple of times until he finally managed to keep his eyes open. His vision was blurry; everything around him seemed to be colored by nothing but shadows and lights. It took him a few seconds to discern a shape knelt down over him.

The soldier's reaction was to stand up and take a defensive position, but something went wrong with that… For instance, Skipper's head hit the aggressor's… hard and painfully.

How did that happened? He had done that so many times before just perfect! And why did his own body feel so… alien… so wrong…?

Damn! That human's head was dense.

Skipper touched his forehead; it hurt like hell… He froze.

His hand shook as he touched his head again; more carefully, focusing more in the sensations beneath his fingers…

Wait! Fingers?

And featherless skin…

No. No, no, no, no, no…

That couldn't be good, could it?

He brought a hand (hand!) to his face and stared intently to the five appendages that once was his flipper...

_THAT STUPID DOLPHIN!_

Skipper looked at the human that had surprised him; he was kneeling down a few feet away, whimpering quietly, pressing his hands against his mouth and nose. He was a tall man with pale skin and black wild hair; he was wearing thorn jeans, a black shirt and a camouflage jacket. His wide broad shoulders made him looked strong enough to be a nuisance in a hand-to-hand combat… But there was something awfully familiar about him…

"…Rico?"

The man jerked his head up and looked at Skipper with teary eyes, over a scarred nose.

_THAT STUPID STUPID DOLPHIN!_

"Perfect…" muttered Skipper through clenched teeth.

_DAMN STUPID DOLPHIN AND HIS TWISTED MACHINE!_

"Where's Kowalski?" The military leader massaged his temples.

"Dunno."

"Go find him. And keep an eye open for Private. If you find any of them stay together and wait for me outside."

"Yesh'ur!"

Rico stand up with great effort and started to walk away with little (if no) grace.

"And be careful; you are not used to that body!"

Skipper breathed deeply a couple times before trying to stand up -which he succeeded by the seventh attempt- and walking –which sent him crashing to the floor a couple of times until he finally got the trick.

Once he was stable enough over his own two feet, the first thing he noticed was his new height. He was really tall… for penguins. By human standards, five feet two inches isn´t that much.

He was wearing a black shirt, camouflage pants and combat boots. Where these come from? He didn´t knew; penguins weren´t known for using clothes and/or shoes, so it must be due to Tunahead's evil contraption.

Where was Blowhole? He must be there, somewhere… Wasn't he? How long had been Skipper out cold?

It couldn´t be that long!

There were two options in Skipper's mind: hope that Kowalski would be able to fix them (without mutating them, exploding them, mutilating them, destroying the world…) or make Blowhole change them back (Which one was deadlier? Skipper couldn't decide…).

A single cold drop of water fell from the sky and it was a matter of seconds before many more followed its lead. Soon the few fires the explosion had left behind disappeared.

Water feels a lot different when you aren´t cover by feathers.

He looked around, searching for any clue, any sign of his nemesis… and that's why he could avoid the flying mackerel that was supposed to impale him.

Skipper ducked and took cover behind a piece of collapsed roof. He breathed deep, listened carefully, focused on locating his attacker and winning the upper-hand. When the next mackerel came flying from above, he was able to intercept it with a well-aimed piece of wood; he then turned around quickly and stopped the punch aimed to his head.

The fist belonged to a tall man with perfectly combed black-hair, wearing a black tuxedo and a completely out-of-place colorful tie. The man smirked mischievously.

"I knew it was you," he announced in a heavy Danish accent.

"Hans," Skipper narrowed his eyes.

"I must admit Doctor knows how to get revenge…" The former puffin face hardened. "Such a shame your stupid team got to interfere… AND DRAG THE REST OF US ALONG!"

"If you want to blame someone, then blame the psycho pseudo-fish that created the damn machine in the first place."

"I rather blame you, as usual." Hans jumped backwards and produced a new mackerel from his tux. "Denmark again, Skippy."

"Bring it on."

-o-o-o-

A flash cut the sky in two halves, and a mighty thunder sent the walls shaking.

Skipper connected a punch into Hans' stomach; while the Danish bend over, the former penguin dropped his elbow onto his back, sending him to the ground with a '_thud'_.

Hans twirled on the ground and sent a powerful kick that Skipper dodge; however, he didn't manage to avoid the next hit. Skipper stumbled and, before he could recover, Hans connected a direct punch to his head.

Skipper fell to the ground.

"Pathetic," spat the Danish. "I expected more from you, Skipper…"

The military leader glared at him from the floor; then he swept, taking Hans by surprise and sending him crashing towards some boxes. Skipper balanced his weight to his arms and pushed himself up.

"Pathetic. I expected more from you, Hans."

Hans roared, pushing the boxes aside before launching himself towards his nemesis. This time Skipper handle to catch him by the wrist and forearm, used Hans' speed against himself and flipped the Danish in the air before dropping him harshly into the ground over his back. He then quickly pushed his foot against Hans' neck, keeping him immobile.

"Guess I win… Again." Skipper smirked with superiority.

Before Hans could answer back, a loud thunder shook the warehouse, making it trembled with violence; part of the ceiling collapsed and a piercing scream echoed through the walls.

"Marlene!" Skipper jerked up in the direction the scream came from before sending a last glare to his rival. "We'll finish this next time!"

Hans sat up, coughing while sending daggers to the retracting Skipper.


End file.
